Actually, I love cats.

A while back, an ex-girlfriend who I was clearly not over at the time asked me for a favor. I found the favor to be ridiculous, in fact, and I told her so in a creative and long-winded fashion. Below is the correspondence. In hindsight I realize I was channeling David Thorne of 27b/6, and it may be the finest writing I’ve ever done. The full correspondence is after the break, redacted to take out personal information, of course. If you know who this is, please don’t say. I’m only trying to embarrass myself here.

On Nov 3, 2010, at 16:36

Hi Andrew,

I need some music-related help and frankly — you’re the best person to ask. Think you might be interested in helping a lady out? Let me know please.

Best wishes,
Xxxxxxx

——————————————

On Wed, Nov 3, 2010 at 4:46 PM

You’ll need to be more specific. Your email reads like the first half of a 419 scam.

–A

Sent from my iPhone

——————————————

On Nov 3, 2010, at 16:57

I can provide many details, Mr. Fletcher — but to verify your identity please respond to these two questions:

1.) Are you aware of any relative/relation born on the 16th of February 1952, who shares your same name whose last known contact address was West Africa?

2.) What is your bank account number?

I AM ANXIOUSLY WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU SOONEST.

——————————————

On Wed, Nov 3, 2010 at 6:45 PM

What about music help?

–A

Sent from my iPhone

——————————————

On Nov 3, 2010, at 9:24 PM

Okay fine — in lieu of sending me your bank account number (you do realize you’re forfeiting a king’s ransom.. right?) here is what I sincerely need help with.

1.) 3 musicians who are willing to donate 3 hours of their November 6th Saturday night (7-10pm) who can play one small instrument (thinking guitar?) for my charity event in exchange for free food from Bouchon and Fig and wine.

OR

2.) A 3 hour playlist including great jazz, classical and other intellectually appropriate music for an upper crust crowd. See the pickle I’m in? I could use a music brain to help me sort this out, ya know. Are you game or should I ask someone else?

——————————————

On Nov 3, 2010, at 11:55 PM

Greetings Xxx,

As a relative of someone with an Autism Spectrum Disorder, your cause is one that I would like to support. However, my charitable efforts are directed to other organizations that are also worthy of my limited time and skill. In addition, I am flying to Boston Friday morning to kill some kittens, vote for Nader and give an eating disorder to a girl (Editor’s note: she falsely claimed I gave her an eating disorder) and will not return until Monday night and have an incredible amount of laundry and homework to do before then.

1) Asking three musicians to play one guitar for three hours is very irregular, and I have only seen it in circus dreams I’ve had. In seriousness, getting a jazz trio to play on two days notice for three hours on their most profitable night of the week in exchange for a croissant and a magnum of third-rate Biltmore Riesling is pretty far fetched. Unless the charity brought people back from the dead and handed out winning lottery tickets, I feel it would be insulting to my colleagues to suggest such a thing to them. This is my professional opinion.

2) Unfortunately, the only 3 hour playlist I have consists of ODB, The Captain and Tenille, a few of Ma Rainey’s more colorful numbers, several 1930s songs extolling the virtues of “reefer” and “tea,” a sampling of Ray Steven’s B-sides, Spike Jones slide-whistle solo records, some bowel-stiffening Mahler, an all-piccolo group that only plays John Phillip Sousa marches, “Fred Rogers Reads Allen Ginsberg” spoken word album ripped from an LP that I found in an alley in Amarillo, Jim Nabors accompanied by a gamelan orchestra (live), a Tibetan singing bowl chorus cover version of “In the Ghetto” that takes up most of 37 minutes, a rare Mongolia-only release of Styx “Kilroy Was Here” in mono, Zamfir’s sequel to “Alice’s Restaurant,” and a Gregorian Chant tribute to “Trapped in the Closet.” There’s a lot more in this playlist but I haven’t made them up yet. While eclectic, It may not be appropriate for the lower-upper-middle class contingent that enjoys being seen at such charity events. Real money comes in Goldman-Sachs envelopes, not L.L. Bean pullovers. My suggestion is to isohunt.com a jazz playlist. They exist in droves. Keywords to look for: Coltrane, Brubeck, Milt Jackson, your mom.

Enjoy your pickles,

Rev. Andrew J. Fletcher, Expert.

P.S. I admit this is a pretty snarky way to say no, but in all honesty I really have no help that I can provide at this time. And my Uncle really is severely autistic. I was watching 8mm film of him as a child this very evening at my grandparents’ home and nearly cried. Good luck in this endeavour.

——————————————

I never received a reply.

Aries
In the words of my West Virginian baby sitter from when I was 9: “You don’t know nothin’ and you stink like poop.” So get rid of that Cassie Edwards you’ve had simmering on the back of the toilet and get some real literature.

Litrachur.

Taurus
This thing right here is lettin all the ladies know what guys talk about. You know, the finer things in life. Check it out. Ooh dat dress so scandalous, and ya know another brotha couldn’t handle it. See ya shakin that thang like who’s da ish with a look in ya eye so devilish. Ya like to dance at all the hip hop spots, and ya cruise to the crews like connect da dots, not just urban she likes the pop; she was livin la vida loca. She had dumps like a truck truck truck, thighs like what what what. Baby move your butt butt butt. I think to sing it again.

Gemini
I hope you need a new dinette set because.… You’re the next contestant on the Price is Right! Come on down!

Cancer
Dear Cancer, this week has been a hectic one for you, but it’s time for a change. Don’t fool yourself into thinking a situation you are stuck in is worth being stuck in. Check yourself — before you wreck yourself.

Leo
While it’s a damned shame, the truth is you’ll never again be as young as you were when you started reading this sentence. Time to start saving for your retirement.

Virgo
Are you really spending the last 5 minutes of your life reading horoscopes? Well, what if you were?

Libra
We don’t all look as good as you Libra, but life is more than a wet t-shirt contest. Try acquiring some meaningful life skills. You spendin’ that body like you just won the lottery, but that kinda cash don’t last past 35. And what are you gonna do then?

Scorpio
Hey brother, XYZ. You’ve got a dangling participle on your resumé.

Ophiuchus
Wait, you mean there are 13 signs now and I still get paid the same as before? Yeah, well then here’s your friggin horoscope: 1. Eat 2. Shit 3. Die. You may need to repeat steps 1 and 2 for a while.

Sagittarius
Hard work is important, but it has to be held together and made useful by a mind full of purpose for your goal. It’s absolutely true what they say: where there’s a will there’s a way. Unfortunately, it would seem that this week it’s some one else’s will and you’re just in the way.

Capricorn
Put on your doing-science hat this week, a confluence of astrological signs indicates that you’re bound to discover something big. As far as the specifics go, things are cloudy, but it appears you’ll discover one of three things: the cure for cancer, an additive to make cereal not get soggy or yet another, other white meat. This bowl of Corn Flakes looking up at me has my fingers crossed for the second.

Aquarius
You’ll experience your first skydiving experience after the explosive decompression above the first class seating rips a Dom-Deluise sized hole in the roof of the 747 you’re flying in. So you might as well pack light.

Pisces
Advice for everyone, but especially for you Pisces: Don’t bring sand to the beach, don’t bring the Pope crackers (he’s got plenty) and most of all — don’t bring bullshit to your relationship. Be cool. BE COOL.

Or is it you that spins?

Aries
This week, be careful not to confuse “Aries” and “Aryan” when that cute girl at the bagel shop asks you what your sign is. If the words “Jewish Lynch Mob” don’t mean anything to you yet — they will. They will. You’ll be cream-cheesed-and-feathered and run out of town.

Taurus
It’s like this and like that: those heavenly bodies of light foretell that it ain’t nothin but a G-thang this for you, but wear a raincoat. You’re not ready to spawn quite yet.

Gemini
I know what you’ve been dealing with, that’s right, I’m talking to all of you that live in that same meat sack that you call a body. So to throw off the attempts of your multiple personalities to unionize, move to Wisconsin this week. Without the ability to collectively bargain, you’ll regain the upper hand and may actually be able to hold your shit together in the DSS office next time.

Cancer
Your supportive ways have come in handy as of late. If a friend asks you for advice, remember to remain unbiased and keep your emotions at bay when choosing words of wisdom to bestow.

Leo
Like Athena rose from the head of Zeus, the teratoma you’ve been hiding under that sweat shirt will finally emerge from your abdomen and will confuse you by speaking only High German, refusing to wear zippers and suddenly building a barn. Bonus: I see some great quilts in your future.

Virgo
This is a great week to come out of the closet, as the stars tell me that your parents just got a prescription for Xanax. They’ll be paddling a canoe across the don’t-give-a-shit sea while you’re happily applying glitter to your taint in their powder room. So get out there! Just don’t fall in a K-Hole you’re first night out, you beautiful queen.

Libra
There isn’t much you can’t handle, but the new and improved breed of Africanized killer bees (as seen on TV) will push you to your limit. Your face will swell into a hideous grimace, but your inimitable spirit will keep you smiling on the inside even as you pull pulsating stingers out of the skin between your knuckles.

Scorpio
That ‘experience’ you had last week will pale in comparison with the one that lies in store for you this week. Stock up on morphine and lube up your best neck brace. On a related note, this will be a wonderful week in the career arena for your stunt double.

Ophiuchus
Gesundheit.

Sagittarius
The time has come, Sag. Shit or get off the pot.

Capricorn
Don’t smoke cigarettes out of your 5th floor apartment building window.

Aquarius
Aquarius, estoy muy orgullosa por ti. La vida es corta, y eligiste correctemente cuando decidio a tomar algunas contingencias que hubieran sido peligrosa emocionalmente. Nunca sabes si no lo tratas. Chi!, Chi!, Chi! Le!, Le!, Le! Los mineros de Chile! lo siento por todos los errores gramaticales.

Pisces
You might think that getting away with ripping off the Goodwill is funny. But if you try it again, know that the wrath of hungover convicts performing community service is often expressed with lead pipes and bicycle chains. And you should see what they can do with a coat hanger.

Happy Fucking Trees

Hot off the presses here at Izzy’s Coffee Den where Catherine and I are plugging away interpreting the stars. We promise you that they are 100% actual horoscopes, written be real writers using an actual language. Don’t be fooled by the imitators (looking at you Susan Miller). You can read all of the horoscopes in this series here.

Aries
This is going to be an excellent week for your efforts to build a career. Get ready to update your resume, Aries, and make sure to include that thing you can do with your tongue. It’s a tough economy, darlin. — A.

Taurus
The stars point to intense danger for you. Go to the store, right now and buy all the chips on the shelves, stay home and eat them until they are gone and don’t leave your house. I’m serious, what I’m seeing for you out there on the streets would make a Spanish Inquisitor queasy. Let’s just say it involves a trampoline, power tools and that Doberman your neighbor’s just got. — A.

Gemini
This is a great time to play the stock market. Hot tip: Buy Frito-Lays stocks. They’re gonna blow up this week. Trust me. — A.

Cancer
So you took your old lady back, huh, Cancer? Weaksauce. Don’t be afraid to take the plunge sometimes and do what you know needs to happen. Often times fear (comfort) will stop us from doing what we know we is the best in a relationship — I expected much more from you. Keep your head up and give it a 60% chance of actually happening the way you “want”. — C.

Leo
Please, for the love of some diety, stop getting into bar brawls. Despite your spontaneous bouts of rage being something you’ve accepted as a part of your personality, try counting to ten before you “lightly push” someone out of your way. Your face is too pretty to be punched. — C.

Virgo
Virgo, sorry for giving you such a hard time last round of horoscopes. You truly are interesting, no doping someone into thinking so needs to happen. Remember Jamiroquai? Although I am older and cooler now, I still listen to his “canned heat” sweet, sweet jam for inspiration sometimes. Got some pent up emotions raging? Dance ‘em out. With me. — C.

Libra
Getting drunk in a coffee shop with a good friend on a Sunday is just what you need, Libra. So don’t hesitate — your days of debauchery are long from gone, my friend. Rest your anxieties for once and write some stories. — C.

Scorpio
I am so sick of Tom Waits. Innovative? Sure. Kooky? uh chyeah. Overplayed and really annoying? Definitely. Scorpio, try exploring new things and not conforming to the likes of those around you. Despite the fact you thrive on attention and conversation with others, you will inadvertently miss out on so much you could enjoy because you can’t think for yourself. — C.

Sagittarius
Dear Sagittarius, I like your ambition to seek out those who inspire you. I think you have great ideas and are fully capable of a successful follow through, but don’t think too much or too little about these plans first; they will falter. Have an opportunity to take a little vacay with your two best friends? If you don’t take it now, they’ll shut you up quick next time you complain about how much your life sucks, and how you wish you could do the things you completely neglected to do. — C.

Capricorn
I’m a little worried about you, Capricorn. Child support is expensive but you still have to pay it. Oh you didn’t know? I’m pregnant. — A.

Aquarius
I’m proud of you, Aquarius. This truly is the dawning of the rage of Aquarius and I’m so glad I can be a part of the absurdity that will ensue soon. — C.

Pisces
You’re not going to have much to do on Valentine’s Day, but that’s just because you’re awful in bed and word got around (ya slut). But take heart! The stars point to a reawakening of your virility due to a cancerous lesion on your pituitary gland. Side effects also include a stylin’ new mustache. — A.

Picture Unrelated

Today my good friend Catherine DeBroder and I started writing horoscopes. I’ve been wanting to do this for a while, and I was just the right mix of hungover, caffeinated and mentally unstable to pull it off. I think we’re going to do this every week, so stay tuned. For the record: I’m an Aquarius and Catherine is a Libra.

Aries
“The Ram” in Hellenistic tradition, you’re doing a great job of bucking around, Aries. Be on the hunt for someone who can add more fuel to your creative fire, and then do them. You’re going to be in love! Tread lightly on your creative ideas, you don’t handle rejection well, and you’re bound to hear some unfavorable opinions of your creations. — C.

Taurus
You were such an asshole last night. I mean, really what kind of prick does that? Shitting into a condom is for the bedroom, not the kitchen. Don’t you know anything? But I can’t really be mad. You’re just so cute in that uniform. Now, it’s time for you to get to work. Crime doesn’t stop itself you know. — A.

Gemini
Divide and conquer is an excellent aphorism for you to think about. To conquer yourself, divide into two pieces (which you are so good at anyway) and throw away the half with that unsightly football sized goiter. — A.

Cancer
Uuhhhhhh Cancer. I shudder at the word. Let go of your anxieties that are truly a mere waste of brain space and start living your life.  Wanna come to Mardi Gras with me? Your birthday is this summer. It’s going to be a hot one so cool it down by taking some hikes, swims, baths with loved ones, you know. Be cognizant of social situations this month, don’t strike up conversations with people who you may suspect don’t want you to waste their time. You’re remarkably good at reading people,  put it to good use. You’re not as good as Libra, however, so ask their advice. You will be enlightened my friend. — C.

Leo
All is fair in love and war, right? Not always with you, Leo. I think you should rekindle old relationships you’ve written off in the past because who knows, maybe things could be sparked once more? Preoccupied by another? so what, do it anyways. Happy Valentine’s. And Black History Month. — C.

Virgo
Pretty sirens aren’t supposed to go flat, it’s not supposed to happen like thaaaaaat. Even of Montreal knows, Virgo , your ass is boring. Spice things up a bit. I recommend a heavy dose of alcohol related sexual mishaps (getting Felded, as opposed to Haimed) and find some hearts to break. Start by doping someone into thinking you’re interesting. — C.

Libra
Stop over thinking things, Libra. Next time you feaux break-up with someone, they’ll take the words right out of your mouth for you. Your charming ways won’t always come in handy for you, instead they may be causing you more confusion than success, especially in work relationships. Draw the line, Libra. I recommend you keep your witty wits about you, remember to consider others’ feelings amidst your rampages, you devil you. It’s a rough life being so perfect, we all know. — C.

Scorpio
Life is an endless adventure with you, Scorpio. What the hell is going on in your head? Jealousy, possessiveness, and ferocity are all emotions we feel, but jesus-get ‘em under wraps. — C.

Sagittarius
Sagittarius, you’ve always been my favorite. These next upcoming months are going to be the utmost fun you’ve ever had, ever. Life is good, Sagittarius. Be wary, however, don’t get beaten at your own game by someone you’d least expect. Gaining control of your emotions in certain situations can be hard, but just remember to hug it out. Life is hard, Sagittarius. — C.

Capricorn
You are growing very sleepy. Verrrry sleepy. Now, keep staring straight ahead while I get out of these cuffs. — A.

Aquarius
A word for the week: indifference. You might be described as incorrigible, but being indifferent is the antidote for caring about how people describe you. So get some polka dots out, wear some stripes, tear apart the curtains, wear it all. Not giving a shit looks great on you. — A.

Pisces
Your insatiable desire for attention this week will be all you think about next week in rehab. Because of this, I recommend stocking your body up on liquor and amphetamines. The good news is that rehab is a great way to get out of a bad relationship, Pisces, which is something you surely need to do right now. Or if you’re single, remind yourself of how miserable everyone you know in a relationship is. But remember, the grass is never greener on the other side. Unless you’ve been involuntarily committed. — A.

Michael Sanacore, Chris Riddle and I made these one-of-a-kind invitations to an after-party earlier this year. Something about the flexibility and the limitations of the typewriter was really inspiring. It made me think of the typewriter in a whole new way. It’s really a miniature printing press, that can only use one font, one style, one size, one color and one weight. But other than that — you can use almost any size paper, any orientation. It’s really marvelous, and lots of fun. They turned out very well I think. My favorite one:

“Don’t listen to her.            Come to the after-party.”

Ok, now read this: 

Porn interrupts Super Bowl broadcast in Tucson

By Alex Dalenberg, Arizona Daily Star
Tucson, Arizona | Published: 02.02.2009

Tucsonans watching the Super Bowl got more action than they bargained for when a short clip from an adult movie channel interrupted Comcast’s feed with full male nudity during the final moments of the game. Officials at Comcast said about 30 seconds from Club Jenna, an adult cable television channel, were shown on the local Super Bowl telecast. The company was still working Sunday night to figure out how it happened. Comcast had “no idea” at the time it happened how the porn may have gotten into its feed, said Kelle Maslyn, a company spokeswoman.

The Star newsroom was flooded with calls from irate viewers who said that the porn cut into the game with less than three minutes left to play, just after Arizona Cardinals player Larry Fitzgerald scored on a touchdown pass from Kurt Warner to put the team in the lead. Callers said that the clip showed a woman unzipping a man’s pants, followed by a graphic act between the two. “I just figured it was another commercial until I looked up,” said Cora King of Marana. “Then he did his little dance with everything hanging out.” Jeanene Piek said she was outraged that her granddaughter had seen the clip. “I was in a state of shock. I am totally disgusted,” she said.

The Super Bowl was being shown locally on KVOA. The station sends its signal to Comcast through a fiber line, said KVOA News Director Kathleen Choal. KVOA’s signal didn’t have porn on it when the station sent it over to Comcast, station president Gary Nielsen said. The company will continue to investigate what happened to its signal, Nielsen said. Engineers at Comcast will be working throughout the night to determine what happened, Maslyn said. The porn broke into the standard-definition feed reaching analog TV sets. It appears the porn only reached homes in the Tucson area, but Comcast did not know exactly how many homes were affected, Maslyn said.

Comcast’s high-definition feed was not affected. Maslyn did not know how many homes were affected.
Comcast is the second-largest cable-television provider in Southern Arizona and serves more than 80,000 customers in unincorporated Pima County, Marana and Oro Valley.
Comcast has set up an e-mail account to take feedback from concerned customers. The address is comcasttucsonfeedback@gmail.com.

I obviously was not in Tucson, but this is pretty awesome. I don’t know why they published that e-mail address, because I definitely had some feedback for them.

Dear Comcast Tucson,
Thanks for the extra treat during the 4th quarter — definitely helped me and the boys celebrate (temporarily at least). Just when I thought that TV programming was going down the tubes you guys pull this out (no pun intended). I know some people think you committed a “Cardinal” sin, but we’re all mammals – what’s the big deal? It’s reasons like this I haven’t switched to satellite yet. Brad’s 14 year old twin boys thought it was the “awesomest thing ever,” and my aunt Claire got all bothered and went out for a night on the town for the first time in 15 years. In fact, I think I may have a new uncle soon! Is there anyway I could get a recording? I’d love to put this in my family’s video scrapbook — I just had a son a week ago and this was his first Superbowl. Thanks again and keep up the good work!
– Andrew Fletcher

Yeah, this is my sense of humour at work. I mean that literally, I’m actually at work right now.

Silhouette Masterpiece Theatre is awesome. Pun based visual humour with a vaguely Victorian tilt? Yes please!

Thanks, Malia. This rocks.

Turns out a lot of people think I’m gay. I guess being straight and secure doesn’t give people anything to talk about, so they’d rather assume you’re homosexual or homophobic to feed the gossip circle. This doesn’t bother me, but it does require explanation. Not to be vain, but I think this graph explains it just as well.

…I can’t help but really enjoy this. I think it is spot on and hilarious.

But damn, the best solution feels all kinds of wrong.

(Thanks Pam!)