Actually, I love cats.
A while back, an ex-girlfriend who I was clearly not over at the time asked me for a favor. I found the favor to be ridiculous, in fact, and I told her so in a creative and long-winded fashion. Below is the correspondence. In hindsight I realize I was channeling David Thorne of 27b/6, and it may be the finest writing I’ve ever done. The full correspondence is after the break, redacted to take out personal information, of course. If you know who this is, please don’t say. I’m only trying to embarrass myself here.
After a bit of a hiatus, Catherine and I return with another round of horoscopes. If you don’t like them, don’t believe them.
Aries
In the words of my West Virginian baby sitter from when I was 9: “You don’t know nothin’ and you stink like poop.” So get rid of that Cassie Edwards you’ve had simmering on the back of the toilet and get some real literature.
Litrachur.
Taurus
This thing right here is lettin all the ladies know what guys talk about. You know, the finer things in life. Check it out. Ooh dat dress so scandalous, and ya know another brotha couldn’t handle it. See ya shakin that thang like who’s da ish with a look in ya eye so devilish. Ya like to dance at all the hip hop spots, and ya cruise to the crews like connect da dots, not just urban she likes the pop; she was livin la vida loca. She had dumps like a truck truck truck, thighs like what what what. Baby move your butt butt butt. I think to sing it again.
Gemini
I hope you need a new dinette set because.… You’re the next contestant on the Price is Right! Come on down!
Cancer
Dear Cancer, this week has been a hectic one for you, but it’s time for a change. Don’t fool yourself into thinking a situation you are stuck in is worth being stuck in. Check yourself — before you wreck yourself.
Leo
While it’s a damned shame, the truth is you’ll never again be as young as you were when you started reading this sentence. Time to start saving for your retirement.
Or is it you that spins?
Aries
This week, be careful not to confuse “Aries” and “Aryan” when that cute girl at the bagel shop asks you what your sign is. If the words “Jewish Lynch Mob” don’t mean anything to you yet — they will. They will. You’ll be cream-cheesed-and-feathered and run out of town.
Taurus
It’s like this and like that: those heavenly bodies of light foretell that it ain’t nothin but a G-thang this for you, but wear a raincoat. You’re not ready to spawn quite yet.
Gemini
I know what you’ve been dealing with, that’s right, I’m talking to all of you that live in that same meat sack that you call a body. So to throw off the attempts of your multiple personalities to unionize, move to Wisconsin this week. Without the ability to collectively bargain, you’ll regain the upper hand and may actually be able to hold your shit together in the DSS office next time.
Cancer
Your supportive ways have come in handy as of late. If a friend asks you for advice, remember to remain unbiased and keep your emotions at bay when choosing words of wisdom to bestow.
Happy Fucking Trees
Hot off the presses here at Izzy’s Coffee Den where Catherine and I are plugging away interpreting the stars. We promise you that they are 100% actual horoscopes, written be real writers using an actual language. Don’t be fooled by the imitators (looking at you Susan Miller). You can read all of the horoscopes in this series here.
Aries
This is going to be an excellent week for your efforts to build a career. Get ready to update your resume, Aries, and make sure to include that thing you can do with your tongue. It’s a tough economy, darlin. — A.
Taurus
The stars point to intense danger for you. Go to the store, right now and buy all the chips on the shelves, stay home and eat them until they are gone and don’t leave your house. I’m serious, what I’m seeing for you out there on the streets would make a Spanish Inquisitor queasy. Let’s just say it involves a trampoline, power tools and that Doberman your neighbor’s just got. — A.
Gemini
This is a great time to play the stock market. Hot tip: Buy Frito-Lays stocks. They’re gonna blow up this week. Trust me. — A.
Cancer
So you took your old lady back, huh, Cancer? Weaksauce. Don’t be afraid to take the plunge sometimes and do what you know needs to happen. Often times fear (comfort) will stop us from doing what we know we is the best in a relationship — I expected much more from you. Keep your head up and give it a 60% chance of actually happening the way you “want”. — C.
Picture Unrelated
Today my good friend Catherine DeBroder and I started writing horoscopes. I’ve been wanting to do this for a while, and I was just the right mix of hungover, caffeinated and mentally unstable to pull it off. I think we’re going to do this every week, so stay tuned. For the record: I’m an Aquarius and Catherine is a Libra.
Aries
“The Ram” in Hellenistic tradition, you’re doing a great job of bucking around, Aries. Be on the hunt for someone who can add more fuel to your creative fire, and then do them. You’re going to be in love! Tread lightly on your creative ideas, you don’t handle rejection well, and you’re bound to hear some unfavorable opinions of your creations. — C.
Taurus
You were such an asshole last night. I mean, really what kind of prick does that? Shitting into a condom is for the bedroom, not the kitchen. Don’t you know anything? But I can’t really be mad. You’re just so cute in that uniform. Now, it’s time for you to get to work. Crime doesn’t stop itself you know. — A.
Gemini
Divide and conquer is an excellent aphorism for you to think about. To conquer yourself, divide into two pieces (which you are so good at anyway) and throw away the half with that unsightly football sized goiter. — A.
Cancer
Uuhhhhhh Cancer. I shudder at the word. Let go of your anxieties that are truly a mere waste of brain space and start living your life. Wanna come to Mardi Gras with me? Your birthday is this summer. It’s going to be a hot one so cool it down by taking some hikes, swims, baths with loved ones, you know. Be cognizant of social situations this month, don’t strike up conversations with people who you may suspect don’t want you to waste their time. You’re remarkably good at reading people, put it to good use. You’re not as good as Libra, however, so ask their advice. You will be enlightened my friend. — C.
Michael Sanacore, Chris Riddle and I made these one-of-a-kind invitations to an after-party earlier this year. Something about the flexibility and the limitations of the typewriter was really inspiring. It made me think of the typewriter in a whole new way. It’s really a miniature printing press, that can only use one font, one style, one size, one color and one weight. But other than that — you can use almost any size paper, any orientation. It’s really marvelous, and lots of fun. They turned out very well I think. My favorite one:
“Don’t listen to her. Come to the after-party.”
UPDATED: Slappy slappy slap! Somebody from the Tucson area really did record it: www.comcastsuperbowlporn.com
Ok, now read this:
Porn interrupts Super Bowl broadcast in Tucson
By Alex Dalenberg, Arizona Daily Star
Tucson, Arizona | Published: 02.02.2009Tucsonans watching the Super Bowl got more action than they bargained for when a short clip from an adult movie channel interrupted Comcast’s feed with full male nudity during the final moments of the game. Officials at Comcast said about 30 seconds from Club Jenna, an adult cable television channel, were shown on the local Super Bowl telecast. The company was still working Sunday night to figure out how it happened. Comcast had “no idea” at the time it happened how the porn may have gotten into its feed, said Kelle Maslyn, a company spokeswoman.
The Star newsroom was flooded with calls from irate viewers who said that the porn cut into the game with less than three minutes left to play, just after Arizona Cardinals player Larry Fitzgerald scored on a touchdown pass from Kurt Warner to put the team in the lead. Callers said that the clip showed a woman unzipping a man’s pants, followed by a graphic act between the two. “I just figured it was another commercial until I looked up,” said Cora King of Marana. “Then he did his little dance with everything hanging out.” Jeanene Piek said she was outraged that her granddaughter had seen the clip. “I was in a state of shock. I am totally disgusted,” she said.
The Super Bowl was being shown locally on KVOA. The station sends its signal to Comcast through a fiber line, said KVOA News Director Kathleen Choal. KVOA’s signal didn’t have porn on it when the station sent it over to Comcast, station president Gary Nielsen said. The company will continue to investigate what happened to its signal, Nielsen said. Engineers at Comcast will be working throughout the night to determine what happened, Maslyn said. The porn broke into the standard-definition feed reaching analog TV sets. It appears the porn only reached homes in the Tucson area, but Comcast did not know exactly how many homes were affected, Maslyn said.
Comcast’s high-definition feed was not affected. Maslyn did not know how many homes were affected.
Comcast is the second-largest cable-television provider in Southern Arizona and serves more than 80,000 customers in unincorporated Pima County, Marana and Oro Valley.
Comcast has set up an e-mail account to take feedback from concerned customers. The address is comcasttucsonfeedback@gmail.com.
I obviously was not in Tucson, but this is pretty awesome. I don’t know why they published that e-mail address, because I definitely had some feedback for them.
Dear Comcast Tucson,
Thanks for the extra treat during the 4th quarter — definitely helped me and the boys celebrate (temporarily at least). Just when I thought that TV programming was going down the tubes you guys pull this out (no pun intended). I know some people think you committed a “Cardinal” sin, but we’re all mammals – what’s the big deal? It’s reasons like this I haven’t switched to satellite yet. Brad’s 14 year old twin boys thought it was the “awesomest thing ever,” and my aunt Claire got all bothered and went out for a night on the town for the first time in 15 years. In fact, I think I may have a new uncle soon! Is there anyway I could get a recording? I’d love to put this in my family’s video scrapbook — I just had a son a week ago and this was his first Superbowl. Thanks again and keep up the good work!
– Andrew Fletcher
Yeah, this is my sense of humour at work. I mean that literally, I’m actually at work right now.
