Real Horoscopes #4

After a bit of a hiatus, Catherine and I return with another round of horoscopes. If you don’t like them, don’t believe them.

Aries
In the words of my West Virginian baby sitter from when I was 9: “You don’t know nothin’ and you stink like poop.” So get rid of that Cassie Edwards you’ve had simmering on the back of the toilet and get some real literature.

Litrachur.

Taurus
This thing right here is lettin all the ladies know what guys talk about. You know, the finer things in life. Check it out. Ooh dat dress so scandalous, and ya know another brotha couldn’t handle it. See ya shakin that thang like who’s da ish with a look in ya eye so devilish. Ya like to dance at all the hip hop spots, and ya cruise to the crews like connect da dots, not just urban she likes the pop; she was livin la vida loca. She had dumps like a truck truck truck, thighs like what what what. Baby move your butt butt butt. I think to sing it again.

Gemini
I hope you need a new dinette set because…. You’re the next contestant on the Price is Right! Come on down!

Cancer
Dear Cancer, this week has been a hectic one for you, but it’s time for a change. Don’t fool yourself into thinking a situation you are stuck in is worth being stuck in. Check yourself – before you wreck yourself.

Leo
While it’s a damned shame, the truth is you’ll never again be as young as you were when you started reading this sentence. Time to start saving for your retirement.

Virgo
Are you really spending the last 5 minutes of your life reading horoscopes? Well, what if you were?

Libra
We don’t all look as good as you Libra, but life is more than a wet t-shirt contest. Try acquiring some meaningful life skills. You spendin’ that body like you just won the lottery, but that kinda cash don’t last past 35. And what are you gonna do then?

Scorpio
Hey brother, XYZ. You’ve got a dangling participle on your resumé.

Ophiuchus
Wait, you mean there are 13 signs now and I still get paid the same as before? Yeah, well then here’s your friggin horoscope: 1. Eat 2. Shit 3. Die. You may need to repeat steps 1 and 2 for a while.

Sagittarius
Hard work is important, but it has to be held together and made useful by a mind full of purpose for your goal. It’s absolutely true what they say: where there’s a will there’s a way. Unfortunately, it would seem that this week it’s some one else’s will and you’re just in the way.

Capricorn
Put on your doing-science hat this week, a confluence of astrological signs indicates that you’re bound to discover something big. As far as the specifics go, things are cloudy, but it appears you’ll discover one of three things: the cure for cancer, an additive to make cereal not get soggy or yet another, other white meat. This bowl of Corn Flakes looking up at me has my fingers crossed for the second.

Aquarius
You’ll experience your first skydiving experience after the explosive decompression above the first class seating rips a Dom-Deluise sized hole in the roof of the 747 you’re flying in. So you might as well pack light.

Pisces
Advice for everyone, but especially for you Pisces: Don’t bring sand to the beach, don’t bring the Pope crackers (he’s got plenty) and most of all – don’t bring bullshit to your relationship. Be cool. BE COOL.

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