Real Horoscopes #3

Or is it you that spins?

Aries
This week, be careful not to confuse “Aries” and “Aryan” when that cute girl at the bagel shop asks you what your sign is. If the words “Jewish Lynch Mob” don’t mean anything to you yet – they will. They will. You’ll be cream-cheesed-and-feathered and run out of town.

Taurus
It’s like this and like that: those heavenly bodies of light foretell that it ain’t nothin but a G-thang this for you, but wear a raincoat. You’re not ready to spawn quite yet.

Gemini
I know what you’ve been dealing with, that’s right, I’m talking to all of you that live in that same meat sack that you call a body. So to throw off the attempts of your multiple personalities to unionize, move to Wisconsin this week. Without the ability to collectively bargain, you’ll regain the upper hand and may actually be able to hold your shit together in the DSS office next time.

Cancer
Your supportive ways have come in handy as of late. If a friend asks you for advice, remember to remain unbiased and keep your emotions at bay when choosing words of wisdom to bestow.

Leo
Like Athena rose from the head of Zeus, the teratoma you’ve been hiding under that sweat shirt will finally emerge from your abdomen and will confuse you by speaking only High German, refusing to wear zippers and suddenly building a barn. Bonus: I see some great quilts in your future.

Virgo
This is a great week to come out of the closet, as the stars tell me that your parents just got a prescription for Xanax. They’ll be paddling a canoe across the don’t-give-a-shit sea while you’re happily applying glitter to your taint in their powder room. So get out there! Just don’t fall in a K-Hole you’re first night out, you beautiful queen.

Libra
There isn’t much you can’t handle, but the new and improved breed of Africanized killer bees (as seen on TV) will push you to your limit. Your face will swell into a hideous grimace, but your inimitable spirit will keep you smiling on the inside even as you pull pulsating stingers out of the skin between your knuckles.

Scorpio
That ‘experience’ you had last week will pale in comparison with the one that lies in store for you this week. Stock up on morphine and lube up your best neck brace. On a related note, this will be a wonderful week in the career arena for your stunt double.

Ophiuchus
Gesundheit.

Sagittarius
The time has come, Sag. Shit or get off the pot.

Capricorn
Don’t smoke cigarettes out of your 5th floor apartment building window.

Aquarius
Aquarius, estoy muy orgullosa por ti. La vida es corta, y eligiste correctemente cuando decidio a tomar algunas contingencias que hubieran sido peligrosa emocionalmente. Nunca sabes si no lo tratas. Chi!, Chi!, Chi! Le!, Le!, Le! Los mineros de Chile! lo siento por todos los errores gramaticales.

Pisces
You might think that getting away with ripping off the Goodwill is funny. But if you try it again, know that the wrath of hungover convicts performing community service is often expressed with lead pipes and bicycle chains. And you should see what they can do with a coat hanger.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: