Real Horoscopes #2

Happy Fucking Trees

Hot off the presses here at Izzy’s Coffee Den where Catherine and I are plugging away interpreting the stars. We promise you that they are 100% actual horoscopes, written be real writers using an actual language. Don’t be fooled by the imitators (looking at you Susan Miller). You can read all of the horoscopes in this series here.

This is going to be an excellent week for your efforts to build a career. Get ready to update your resume, Aries, and make sure to include that thing you can do with your tongue. It’s a tough economy, darlin. – A.

The stars point to intense danger for you. Go to the store, right now and buy all the chips on the shelves, stay home and eat them until they are gone and don’t leave your house. I’m serious, what I’m seeing for you out there on the streets would make a Spanish Inquisitor queasy. Let’s just say it involves a trampoline, power tools and that Doberman your neighbor’s just got. – A.

This is a great time to play the stock market. Hot tip: Buy Frito-Lays stocks. They’re gonna blow up this week. Trust me. – A.

So you took your old lady back, huh, Cancer? Weaksauce. Don’t be afraid to take the plunge sometimes and do what you know needs to happen. Often times fear (comfort) will stop us from doing what we know we is the best in a relationship – I expected much more from you. Keep your head up and give it a 60% chance of actually happening the way you “want”. – C.

Please, for the love of some diety, stop getting into bar brawls. Despite your spontaneous bouts of rage being something you’ve accepted as a part of your personality, try counting to ten before you “lightly push” someone out of your way. Your face is too pretty to be punched. – C.

Virgo, sorry for giving you such a hard time last round of horoscopes. You truly are interesting, no doping someone into thinking so needs to happen. Remember Jamiroquai? Although I am older and cooler now, I still listen to his “canned heat” sweet, sweet jam for inspiration sometimes. Got some pent up emotions raging? Dance ‘em out. With me. – C.

Getting drunk in a coffee shop with a good friend on a Sunday is just what you need, Libra. So don’t hesitate – your days of debauchery are long from gone, my friend. Rest your anxieties for once and write some stories. – C.

I am so sick of Tom Waits. Innovative? Sure. Kooky? uh chyeah. Overplayed and really annoying? Definitely. Scorpio, try exploring new things and not conforming to the likes of those around you. Despite the fact you thrive on attention and conversation with others, you will inadvertently miss out on so much you could enjoy because you can’t think for yourself. – C.

Dear Sagittarius, I like your ambition to seek out those who inspire you. I think you have great ideas and are fully capable of a successful follow through, but don’t think too much or too little about these plans first; they will falter. Have an opportunity to take a little vacay with your two best friends? If you don’t take it now, they’ll shut you up quick next time you complain about how much your life sucks, and how you wish you could do the things you completely neglected to do. – C.

I’m a little worried about you, Capricorn. Child support is expensive but you still have to pay it. Oh you didn’t know? I’m pregnant. – A.

I’m proud of you, Aquarius. This truly is the dawning of the rage of Aquarius and I’m so glad I can be a part of the absurdity that will ensue soon. – C.

You’re not going to have much to do on Valentine’s Day, but that’s just because you’re awful in bed and word got around (ya slut). But take heart! The stars point to a reawakening of your virility due to a cancerous lesion on your pituitary gland. Side effects also include a stylin’ new mustache. – A.

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