Real Horoscopes #1

Man passes out in the chip aisle
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Today my good friend Catherine DeBroder and I started writing horoscopes. I’ve been wanting to do this for a while, and I was just the right mix of hungover, caffeinated and mentally unstable to pull it off. I think we’re going to do this every week, so stay tuned. For the record: I’m an Aquarius and Catherine is a Libra.

“The Ram” in Hellenistic tradition, you’re doing a great job of bucking around, Aries. Be on the hunt for someone who can add more fuel to your creative fire, and then do them. You’re going to be in love! Tread lightly on your creative ideas, you don’t handle rejection well, and you’re bound to hear some unfavorable opinions of your creations. – C.

You were such an asshole last night. I mean, really what kind of prick does that? Shitting into a condom is for the bedroom, not the kitchen. Don’t you know anything? But I can’t really be mad. You’re just so cute in that uniform. Now, it’s time for you to get to work. Crime doesn’t stop itself you know. – A.

Divide and conquer is an excellent aphorism for you to think about. To conquer yourself, divide into two pieces (which you are so good at anyway) and throw away the half with that unsightly football sized goiter. – A.

Uuhhhhhh Cancer. I shudder at the word. Let go of your anxieties that are truly a mere waste of brain space and start living your life.  Wanna come to Mardi Gras with me? Your birthday is this summer. It’s going to be a hot one so cool it down by taking some hikes, swims, baths with loved ones, you know. Be cognizant of social situations this month, don’t strike up conversations with people who you may suspect don’t want you to waste their time. You’re remarkably good at reading people,  put it to good use. You’re not as good as Libra, however, so ask their advice. You will be enlightened my friend. – C.

All is fair in love and war, right? Not always with you, Leo. I think you should rekindle old relationships you’ve written off in the past because who knows, maybe things could be sparked once more? Preoccupied by another? so what, do it anyways. Happy Valentine’s. And Black History Month. – C.

Pretty sirens aren’t supposed to go flat, it’s not supposed to happen like thaaaaaat. Even of Montreal knows, Virgo , your ass is boring. Spice things up a bit. I recommend a heavy dose of alcohol related sexual mishaps (getting Felded, as opposed to Haimed) and find some hearts to break. Start by doping someone into thinking you’re interesting. – C.

Stop over thinking things, Libra. Next time you feaux break-up with someone, they’ll take the words right out of your mouth for you. Your charming ways won’t always come in handy for you, instead they may be causing you more confusion than success, especially in work relationships. Draw the line, Libra. I recommend you keep your witty wits about you, remember to consider others’ feelings amidst your rampages, you devil you. It’s a rough life being so perfect, we all know. – C.

Life is an endless adventure with you, Scorpio. What the hell is going on in your head? Jealousy, possessiveness, and ferocity are all emotions we feel, but jesus-get ‘em under wraps. – C.

Sagittarius, you’ve always been my favorite. These next upcoming months are going to be the utmost fun you’ve ever had, ever. Life is good, Sagittarius. Be wary, however, don’t get beaten at your own game by someone you’d least expect. Gaining control of your emotions in certain situations can be hard, but just remember to hug it out. Life is hard, Sagittarius. – C.

You are growing very sleepy. Verrrry sleepy. Now, keep staring straight ahead while I get out of these cuffs. – A.

A word for the week: indifference. You might be described as incorrigible, but being indifferent is the antidote for caring about how people describe you. So get some polka dots out, wear some stripes, tear apart the curtains, wear it all. Not giving a shit looks great on you. – A.

Your insatiable desire for attention this week will be all you think about next week in rehab. Because of this, I recommend stocking your body up on liquor and amphetamines. The good news is that rehab is a great way to get out of a bad relationship, Pisces, which is something you surely need to do right now. Or if you’re single, remind yourself of how miserable everyone you know in a relationship is. But remember, the grass is never greener on the other side. Unless you’ve been involuntarily committed. – A.

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